10 of Swords

Friday was devastating for me. Something happened which cannot be fixed. My backup drive crashed. But "backup" is a misnomer. Really it was my only storage. Did I know better? Yes. Did I protect myself? No. Did I know that the results of the drive failing would be near catastrophic? Yes. Was this some sort of form of self-sabotage? Maybe.

Anyone close to me has been hearing a lot of talk about Change. I am stuck in my own routine and rather traditional modes of thinking. I work hard, but not always for the money because the money isn't always there. I accomplish a lot, but I am not always going anywhere. I turned 40 this year, and I've made public and private proclamations that my 40's were going to be the last decade where I pushed myself this hard and that I planned for my 50's a much more stable, rewarding, self aware and even lifestyle. And even though I've said and tried to believe in this, there's a lingering thought that maybe I shouldn't wait so long.

Often times, when things weigh heavy on my mind at night, I draw from my tarot deck for a little perspective and introspection. Friday night's card was one of the most pertinent cards I've ever drawn. Call it fate or dumb luck, I drew it. And at that moment, I saw things much clearer. I drew the 10 of Swords.

The 10 of Swords: (taken from Mystic Games.com)

Synopsis

An ending which is inevitable, yet promises new beginnings.

General Description

The 10 of Swords stands for the end and departure, for the great letting go, similar to the card "Death" (XIII). In contrast to the Death card, which shows the natural end, the 10 of Swords expresses the random, possibly violent, and thereby sometimes even premature end. Even though this end often corresponds with a very difficult life experience, it does not always have to be so; the profusion of swords represents the concentrated power of the mind. Through it, experiences that very much enrich and are essential to our lives can be terminated, but also unwelcome situations, bad habits, and depressive, harmful phases can come to an end. In any case, it Is a painful parting. Only from the context can we determine if this will be experienced with an oppressive feeling or if we are ultimately relieved, as at the end of an operation.

And someone else, can't remember who, used this analogy:

“When it is darkest, men see the stars”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The 10 of Swords asks me "now what?". The last time I "proverbially drew" a 10 of Swords was when I was struck by a car and found myself in a hospital for 2 weeks with a seriously fractured leg. My whole life stopped. And when I say it stopped, it was not from a slow paced stide- it was from a tumultuous flood of activity and the crash stopped more than my body. And I had to stop. Everything. Forced by the heavens and powers that be. It pulled my plug and I was grateful for all with what I was left... family, friends, my relative health, mind, and my creativity- and life itself. I was given a new lease on life, so to speak. And indeed, my life changed dramatically for the better. And this time, it's no different. Though not staggering in pain and physical inabilities, the loss of these files is crippling none the less. But having hit this bottom, I have nowhere to climb but up. And up I shall climb.

I haven't given up the fight to retrieve the files, but I am not stressing about it (or at least trying not to). Right now, my photos are the most important thing to me- which interestingly, was not my first concern when it first happened: my websites, all of my fabric designs, a book idea I'd been outlining, freelance work, my businesses' identity and collateral... everything I do and work on all day long. Gone. Just like that. Now what?

People like me, who do, do, do can't often see the trees for the forest... I know I got that wrong- but what I mean, is I see a big picture and not the little things that make it up. I only react to what comes at me- and I throw in spontaneous actions to propel myself from the spot on which I'm standing. I rarely live for the moment, and I am constantly striving to reach some sort of goal. While it makes for a dazzling spectacle, it's also tiresome. Only, I just can't stop. Unless something happens to make me stop. Like now. At 40, I'd like to think I'd start getting a handle on this M.O. and catch myself before the universe has to intervene. While my real strengths are about charging forward and combatting obstacles, I need to hone the skills in avoiding them altogether. With each draw of the 10 of Swords, I feel like I get closer to this ideal. But, as you'll probably read between the lines- I'm still striving for a goal... and so, I can only wonder, will the cycle continue only on a slightly different axis.